I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
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