he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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