I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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