i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
