Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
