I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
