a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
