6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
