I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
