I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My bed smells like the plague
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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