omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
