census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you traded sex for a burrito?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
