my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
