didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
