When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
