Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
