He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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