I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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