I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
