i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
