My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
how drunk are you?
Several
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
