I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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