Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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