Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
