I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
