I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
