I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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