I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
