Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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