He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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