Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
These tits shall not be calmed
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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