I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
