My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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