When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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