Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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