i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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