When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
