i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
