Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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