I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
