I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
