theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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