And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
