You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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