God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
