nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Why is your signature on my underwear?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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