Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
