i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
