My sheets look like a crime scene.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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