Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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