I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Please, let me fuck your mom
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
